Call This What You Want
by idkgba27
Summary: ... because the author was too lazy to name this collection of drabbles featuring various couples. So far: Cartters Kyman Creek Clutters Cryle (I could take some requests if you ask nicely...)
1. CartmanButters I Like You

**A/N: Well, hello!**

**So I'm always working on one shots and updates and doing that takes such a long time that in between publishing i feel the desire to release fics. Usually whenever I try for a drabble they end up in the 1500-2000 words range and that my friends is no longer a drabble. However I've found a way to actually write drabbles and that's to only write the dialogue and no actions.**

**Anyways there's no goal in this and it's just a collection of drabbles. I've got to so far and both are boy x boy but I don't know if they will all be romantic or not. Anyways you can always check the chapter title to see who's talking in the chapter.**

**Please read and please enjoy :)**

"Um, Eric?"

"What?"

"Well, uh, ya know we've been goin' out for a while now an' I j-just wanted to tell ya that I, uh….."

"That you what?"

"Well, that I, uh, well, I, uh….."

"Use your words, Butters."

"Um, well, that I….. I like ya a whole bunch an' I'm just r-real happy that ya like me b-back."

"Butters…."

"Yeah, Eric?"

"You're such a fag."

"Oh."

"But yeah, I, uh, I like you too and stuff."

"Well, then, Eric…."

"Hmm?"

"Guess that m-makes ya a fag just like me."

"Whatever. I'm still super fucking awesome though."

"Yep but you're still a fag."

"Shut up, Butters."


	2. CartmanKyle Name Calling

"Your brother is such a little dipshit reminds me of you actually."

"Shut up already, Cartman. I'm not in the mood to hear you talk shit."

"What are you talking about? I would _never _say anything bad about your brother."

"You just did dumbass."

"No, I called him a 'dipshit'. You're the one who's taking it like an insult."

"Yeah, because it is a fucking insult. You called me a dipshit too."

"Exactly."

"Exactly what?"

"I said your brother's a dipshit just like you and-"

"See, there you go insulting us again! Now shut the fuck up like I told you to do already!"

"God you're emotional thought you'd have grown thicker skin already considering you're a Jew."

"What did you just say?!"

"Nothing, nothing, just-"

"No, I told you to shut the fuck up. So you better stay fucking quiet now or I'm leaving."

"Aw, come on! We didn't even get a chance to, you know…."

"And you'll never get another chance again if you keep talking shit."

"Okay, I'll stop calling you names but let me just finish what I was saying."

"Ugh, fine, but if you call me or my brother or anyone else a dipshit…."

"Yeah, yeah I don't get Jew tonight."

"Excuse me?"

"I don't get _you_ tonight. That's what I said."

"That's what I thought."

"Anyways, like I was saying, I can see why you'd think that me calling your brother a, well 'the name that I'm no longer allowed to use', could be seen as derogative but you should know by now that's just how I work."

"Yeah, you're an asshole."

"Hey! Why do you get to call me names and I can't call you anything? That's not fair, Kahl!"

"Well, my name's not 'Kahl', fatass, and I'll call you whatever the fuck I feel like because you're the one who wants to stick your dick up my ass."

"Jeez, you're so fucking vulgar but…."

"Don't fucking touch my ass!"

"Why not? If you're offering then I'm more than willing to take it."

"I'm not offering you anything!"

"Fine, be a fucking tease then."

"God, you're so fucking frustrating."

"I'm not even doing anything! Okay, look, let me just explain myself and then you'll see why I totally deserve to get laid."

"State your case then."

"Okay, so sometimes I use words that aren't what most people would describe as 'nice' but when they're coming from me they're more like terms of endearment than insults."

"So you're saying that I shouldn't get mad at you for insulting me, my family, my religion, my hair color, or anything else because that's your own special way of saying 'I love you'?"

"Yeah, that about sums it up."

"And that's exactly why I'm not letting you stick anything up my ass tonight. See you later, fatass."

"Wait, Kahl! Shit, I meant to say Kyle! Kyle, don't go yet I…... Fuck, can't believe that daywalker left me. Well, who needs him when I've got you, hey, Ms. Lopez."

"Hola, Eric, you're looking muy handsome today."

"Why, thank you, Ms. Lopez. You're look very nice today yourself."

"Oh, Eric, I don't understand how Kyle could leave such a hot, totally not fat, hombre like you all alone and needy…."

"Ms. Lopez, what are you doing down there?"

"…."

"….."

"…."

"…Damn, this just doesn't compare. Stupidass fucking Kahl leaving me with just my hand….."

**A/N: Well that's it for now since I have one shots to work on...**

**It's been a while since I've done Kyman (since you know I've got the whole Cartman/Butters thing going on) but it's always fun writing them and their arguments. (and of course Jennifer Lopez or should I say... Mitch Conner?!)**

**Thanks for reading 3**


	3. ButtersStephen Grades

**A/N: Hi!**

**Well, I've got three more for you!**

**This are actually really fun to write! **

**Anyways as I wrote in chapter 1 not all of these drabbles are going to be romantic and this one isn't. (because incest isn't my thing)**

**Please read and please enjoy :)**

"Butters, can you please explain to me how you got this grade?"

"Um, wh-which one, dad?"

"Your grade in math, Butters."

"Oh, I… I thought I did good in that class…"

"You did. In fact you did a little too good…. Tell me son, are you a cheater?"

"Wh-what?"

"I asked did you **cheat **to get this grade?"

"No!"

"Don't you raise your voice at me!"

"S-sorry, sir, but I d-didn't cheat, honest."

"Then how did you manage to get 102% in that class?"

"Extra credit, sir."

"Butters, you know I don't appreciate lying…."

"But I ain't lyin', sir, I tutored some of my classmates who weren't doin' so good an' the teacher gave me extra credit."

"I see….. So you think you're better than everyone else then?"

"Um, no, sir."

"Your mother and I aren't raising a narcissist and I'm not about to let you benefit from other's failures either."

"But I d-don't think I'm better than everyone else!"

"Are you trying to earn my pity, Butters? While your mother and I aren't raising you to think you're superior, we're also not about to raise our son to lack self-confidence."

"I'm s-sorry, sir. I just d-don't understand what you want from me."

"I'll tell you what I want from you, Butters. I want you to march up to your room and think about what you've done because you're grounded, mister!"

"Oh, hamburgers…."

"Are you talking back to me?!"

"N-no!"

"Well, you're double grounded now. Do I make myself clear or do you want to be tripled grounded?"

"…"

"Good choice. Now go to your room there might just be hope for you yet."

**A/N: Because poor Butters just can't win.**


	4. CartmanButters Bite

"Ah, Eric!"

"What?"

"Ya…. Ya b-bit me…."

"And?"

"Well, it's j-just that ya never did that before."

"Butters, I'm kind of in the middle of something so unless you've got something to say….."

"Isn't bitin' a fella a lil weird?"

"Ugh, no, don't you watch porn? And even if it was I don't give a shit."

"I ain't allowed to w-watch that kinda stuff, Eric, my parents would be awful sore at me if they ever found out I did."

"Well, your parents would be 'awful sore' at you if they knew what you were doing now…"

Ah! Eric, you're….. you're gonna leave m-marks on me if ya keep doin' that."

"I'll do whatever the fuck I want. It's my bed, my rules. Now, stop squirming already."

"But, Eric, you're gonna leave marks where my p-parents will see 'em!"

"Fine, I'll just bite your nips or something."

"Wh-what?!"

"Butters, calm down. I already told you that this stuff is normal."

"I know but you've never done this before. Why do ya have to be doin' it now?"

"Because I want to, that's why, and if you want me to fucking blow your mind then you're going to have to fucking deal with it."

"I d-don't know, Eric. This is just a lil too much for me right now…."

"Aw, come on. Let me just have some fun with you and then I'll give you the orgasm of your life, promise."

"Oh, alright. Just, um….."

"What?"

"Well, um, c-can ya just bite a lil harder next time?"

**A/N: I can assure you that what Butters and Cartman were doing was totally not in any way related to sex… Actually I can't assure you anything. *shrugs***


	5. CraigTweek Trapped

"We're tr-trapped and we're never going to get out! Oh, why'd we have to walk in here?! They're out to get us, man, I'm telling you! They're going to get us and there's nothing we can do because we're trapped in this closet. We're sitting ducks! Oh, I d-don't wanna die! I'm too young to die! We're doomed and I'm going to die and, oh god, you're going to die! We're both going to die in here and there's nothing we can do! I knew I should've w-waited outside and now we're trapped and, gah! This is too much pressure, man! I c-can't handle this! I'm just a kid and now I'm going to die a kid! And my parents?! Who's going to tell my parents that I'm dead?! Or what if they never find my body and they just think I'm missing and then my parents aren't going to know that I'm dead in this closet and they're just going to keep looking and looking and looking until they die?! My parents are going to fucking die and there's nothing I can do to save them because I'm trapped in here and no one's ever going to find me! And no one's ever going to find you either and then you're parents are going to die and it's all my fault because I got us trapped in here and I can't handle all that pressure, man! I'm just a just a kid! I shouldn't have to be worrying about us and our parents dying! I should just be worring about school…. School! Oh, god, I can't go to fucking school anymore! I'm going to miss all my classes and then I'll get kicked out and then I'll never be able to find a job and I'm never going to be able to afford a home or food! Ack, I forgot about food! There's no food in here! We're going to starve to death! Unless….. Oh, you're going to have to fucking eat me! I can't eat you becoming a cannibal that's too much fucking pressure! If I become a cannibal I'll never be able to function in modern society ever again! Oh, I'm fucking doomed and you're fucking doomed and it's all my fault!"

"Tweek….."

"Craig, I'm so, so sorry! Please don't hate me for ruining your life! I didn't mean to trap you in here either! Oh, you're going to hate me and you're never going to talk to me ever again and then I'm going to have no one to talk to because it's just us in here and what if I forget how to talk because I have no one to talk to or what if I just keep talking to myself and I go crazy?! I can't go crazy, man, that's too much pressure! I'm just a kid and, oh, this is all my fault!"

"Tweek."

"You have to forgive me, Craig! This guilt is going to fucking kill me! I don't wanna die! There's so much I have to do with my life and if I die I'll never be able to do any of it! Oh, why did I follow you into this closet?! I should have at least told someone I was coming in here because now I'm trapped and no one knows that I'm in here and no one's going to find me! We'll be waiting forever to be rescued and it's just not going to happen, man! I'm telling you we're fucking doomed!"

"Tweek!"

"Oh, it's already starting! You're already yelling at me, you already hate me! You're hate's just going to grow and grow and grow until you won't be able to handle it anymore and then you're just going to snap and you're going to kill me! Please, Craig, don't kill me! I don't wanna die!"

"TWEEK!"

"Y-Yes?"

"Just move out of the fucking way."

"Why? Oh, god, you're going to kill me!"

"I'm not going to fucking kill you. Just move out of the way so I can open the door."

"It's too late for that, Craig! We're trapped and we're going to die in here and-"

"See, Tweek, the door was just locked."

"We're…. we're not going to d-die?"

"No."

"Oh, Craig! You saved me! Oh, no…. Now I have to repay you but I have no money! You're going to have to make me your servant so I can pay you back with a lifetime of work and, oh, please Craig I can't be your slave! I don't want to be a slave! I'm terrible at housework, I'll just end up breaking everything and then I'll have to clean that mess and I'll just end up breaking more things! Oh, Craig just please whatever you do don't make me be your sex slave! I'm too young for that! I'm just a kid! But please just don't lock me back in that closet! I don't wanna die in a closet! Craig? Where'd you go? Oh, no! He disappeared and now I'm going to be charged with his disappearance and then I'm going to be sent to prison forever and then-"

**A/N: Just like Craig we're just going to walk away from Tweek because that kid will keep yapping forever if you let him.**

***responses, responses, responses***

**Montana-Bob: (chapter 2) Thanks for the review and compliment! Having Ms. Lopez make a cameo was a last minute decision because really I think we all need a little bit more of her taco flavored kisses in our life.**

**Serendipidityrain711: (chapter 1) Butters and Cartman having that conversation is something that I strongly believe in especially with Butters eventually being able to call Eric out on his gay behavior.**

**(chapter 2) Kyman arguments are always the best! I always love a Kyle/Cartman fight! I'm glad you liked the ending although I feel like Cartman would have preferred Kyle's ass over Ms. Lopez but oh well….**

**Thanks for reading 3**


	6. ClydeButters Photographs

**A/N: Hello!**

**Well, I've never done a Clutters before and I didn't know if I should mark this Clutters or Clyjorine but whatever…..**

**Please read and please enjoy :)**

"Now just put the wig on….."

"Um, Clyde, are ya s-sure that this is okay?"

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, it's all good, Marjorine."

"But my name ain't Marjorine. It's Butters. Don't ya know that?"

"Shh, you're Marjorine right now."

"Oh, okay, I guess. Um, Clyde?"

"Huh?"

"Where'd ya get this dress from?"

"I, uh, found it…."

"Where'd ya find it?"

"In the, uh, trash."

"The trash?! Clyde, I can't wear this! It's d-dirty I might get grounded!"

"Calm down, I washed it. Anyways it's perfect for you."

"Cause it was in the trash?"

"What? No, because it just looks, um, n-nice on you, that's all."

"Oh, well, shucks, Clyde. Ya r-really think so?"

"Yeah….."

"Are ya g-gonna take pictures of me too?"

"Who's taking pictures of you?"

"Oh, um, s-sometimes Eric likes to make me wear dresses an' he likes t-takin' pictures of me. He doesn't tell me what it is he does with 'em though….. But please don't tell him I told you that. He'd be awful sore at me if he knew that ya knew."

"I won't say anything but….. He really takes pictures of you like this?"

"Well, yeah, all the time actually. Are ya gonna take some of me too?"

"Yeah….."


	7. CraigKyle Dealing

**A/N: The whole scenario here is that Kyle is storming down the hallways mumbling to himself (as he probably would) and passes by Craig who's leaning against his locker giving his two cents about everything (as he probably would).**

"I fucking swear I'm going to kill that punkass bitch…."

"Cartman?"

"What?"

"You're talking about Cartman, right?"

"Of course I am! Do you know what the fatass did this time?!"

"No."

"Well, I'll tell you. He somehow got the bright idea to…. Are you even listening to me?"

"Hmm?"

"I said are you-"

"Oh, no, not at all."

"Well, why'd you ask if you're not going to fucking listen?"

"I never asked. You just assumed I would want to know when honestly I don't give a shit."

"How could you not care? His plan effects all of us, including you, Craig."

"So?"

"So?"

"Do you not understand that we're dealing with a fucking sociopath here? We need to stop him before he gets out of hand."

"No, we don't."

"Fine, you can stay here and do nothing like always while I go fucking deal with him."

"You realize you don't have to, right? The universe tends to take care of him every time."

"The universe?! Craig, the universe couldn't care less about Cartman! I'm the one who has to fix his mistakes every fucking time."

"No, it's the universe."

"Will you stop giving the fucking universe credit for my hard work?"

"Whatever."

"Ugh, first I have to deal with Cartman's bullshit and now yours too?"

"….."

"Craig, I'm talking to you!"

"…"

"Don't fucking flip me off!"

"…"

"Goddamnit, I don't have time for this. I'm going to go stop Cartman and you can just stand there and flip off the universe for all I care."

"….."

"…"

"Thought he'd never fucking leave."

**A/N: Well, these were two firsts for me: Clyde/Butters and Craig/Kyle….**

***responses, responses, responses***

**CreekGnomes- (chapter 5)**

**But didn't you hear! That's too much pressure for poor lil Tweek! (also you may wanna get that cough of yours checked ;) )**

**Serendipityrain711-**

**(chapter 3) Ha, yeah, Stephen's a dick and Butters just isnt meant to win in life at least not against his dad.**

**(chapter 4) Like we both said a kinky Butters is best 3**

**(chapter 5) Well, thanks! I don't use Tweek very often for various reasons but his rambling is always fun to write!**

**Thanks for reading 3**


	8. CartmanButters Cuddling

**A/N: Hi there!**

**I'm back with two more of these things I call drabbles.**

**So I've talked before about my love for Cartman's and Butters' sleepovers and here's another scenario for those. Basically Cartman does everything he can to prevent Butters' gayness from affecting him and one of those things is making sure the blond keeps to his side of the bed because even if Cartman is trying to keep the gay away he'd still end up sleeping in the same bed as Butters.**

**However Eric doesn't do much to stop his own gayness from affecting Butters…..**

**Please read and please enjoy :)**

"Uh, Eric?"

"What?"

"Wh-what are ya doin' over here? This is my s-side of the bed. Sh-shouldn't ya be over on yours?"

"Shut up, Butters, just go to sleep."

"But….. but ya s-said so yourself that k-keepin' to our sides of the bed is very important an' not doin' so would be, well, would be real faggy."

"I know what I said. Now just go to sleep."

"But, Eric, ain't this considered f-faggy?"

"No, it's not."

"Um, Eric?"

"What now?"

"Well, I was just w-wonderin' are ya….. faggy?"

"Goddamnit, of course not! Now just go to sleep, asshole."

"Uh, okay then. Um, Eric, just one last th-thing…"

"What?"

"It's just that you're, uh, r-real warm an', well, it's nice havin' ya all cuddled up to me like this."

"Butters, this isn't fucking cuddling, okay?"

"It's not? Cause it s-sure seems that way to me."

"No, it's not fucking cuddling because unlike you I'm not gay."

"Oh, okay then but whatever this is it sure is awful n-nice."

"Butters, shut the fuck up already and stop being such a fucking fruit."

"Shucks, Eric, don't get mad or nothing. I'll go to sleep now if that's what ya want. Good night, Eric."

"Good night, fag."

**A/N: And just like that through the power of words Cartman and Butters are cuddling….**


	9. CartmanKyle Phonecall

_*Ring, Ring*_

"Goddamnit, Jew! I thought I said no phones in the bedroom!"

"Yeah and I know I said to stop calling me Jew. Anyways it's my mom I have to answer."

"No, what you have to do is get back over here so we can finish what you started."

"What I started? Come on, Cartman, you're the one who started it and anyways I have to answer. My mom will have a fucking cow if I don't."

"Oh, yeah, my bad I kind of forgot about your mom being a total bitch."

"Hey, don't call my mom a bitch, fatass!"

"Well, it's true! I mean she really needs to learn how to calm her tits. When was the last time that you did anything that your mom wouldn't approve of?"

"I'm pretty sure that my mom wouldn't approve of me doing anything with the town's resident Nazi, a.k.a. you."

"You call me a Nazi as if it's a bad thing."

"Being a Nazi is a bad thing, asshat."

"Whatever, I just recognize genius when I see it and-"

"If by genius you mean Hitler then you can just end that sentence right there."

"I don't appreciate your interrupt-"

_*Ring, Ring*_

"No one gives a shit Cartman. Now, where's my phone?"

"What do you mean no one gives a shit? Everyone gives a shit when it comes to me. In fact, if anything, people give too many shits when it comes to me."

"Can you stop talking about shit already and help me find my phone?"

"Do you mean this phone?"

_*Ring, Ring*_

"Yeah, I mean that phone, dumbass. Now hand it over."

"How about you come get it from me?"

"What?"

"I mean-"

"You better not be doing what I think you're doing!"

"Oh, you mean this?"

"Fatass, talk my phone out of your fucking pants!"

_*Ring, Ring*_

"Kahl, Kahl, Kahl…. It appears that you don't fully understand this situation. If you want your phone then you'll have to get it from my pants."

"I'm not fucking getting in your pants today or any day in the future if you don't hand it over yourself!"

"I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, you were already supposed to be sticking your hand in there anyways and besides your phone I think you'll find a very generous gift waiting for you in there."

"Ew, I hope you're not seriously calling your dick generous."

"Well, it is and you were scheduled to touch it about ten minutes ago."

_*Ring, Ring*_

"I don't know where you're getting this idea that I was going to touch it today because that's not going to happen especially if you don't give me my phone!"

"What are you talking about! You told me when you got here that today was the day you were finally going to make hand-to-dick contact!"

"I meant your hand to my dick! Now give me my fucking phone!"

"No, I suddenly don't feel like it…"

"You weren't ever feeling like it but I don't give a shit. Hand it over!"

"Nah, you see if I'm not getting your hand on my dick then your phone's vibrating will just have to suffice."

"Fatass….."

_*Ring, Ring, Ri-*_

"Oh, well it looks as if my fun's over already and that your mom is probably having, what was it that you said earlier, a 'cow'?

"Goddamnit… You realize you're a pain in my ass, right?"

"Oh, I didn't know you were offering up your ass to me today."

"Ugh, you know what? My mom probably is losing her shit right now but you're right I really do need to learn how to loosen up."

"Does that mean my dick to your ass contact will be made today?"

"No, fatass, it means your hand to my dick contact will be made today. Now get to work."

"Lame."

"What did you just say?"

"I said sweet. That's what I said my dearest Kahl."

"Sure."

**A/N: I wanted to write another one so that I could have ten drabbles but I need to think up some ideas…. Suggestions anyone?**

***replies, replies, replies***

**-SerendipityRain711: **

**(chapter 6) Everyone has the hots for Marjorine. I'm pretty sure that's a scientific fact right there.**

**(chapter 7) Kyle and Craig are such opposites when it comes to the amount of shits they give. Kyle: Too many and Craig: zero. **

**-TechnicalTechnicalities:**

**(chapter 6) Thank you, thank you! Ha, I couldn't resist not slipping Cartman into this chapter. Cartman taking pictures of Butters is already canon so I might as well make them more for sexual reasons now that they're older.**

**Thanks again to everyone for reading these and I'll be back with more someday….**

**3**


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